Eric-B.net

Now I am older, and this shit sucks.

There was a reddit post yesterday, http://www.reddit.com/tb/d77cj, and I identified with it. In case it goes away, it said, “I spent my childhood wishing that I was older now I’m older and this shit sucks” It was a crude run-on with no punctuation. However, it reminded me of my youth, and how different things are now.

I was attacked with comments about confusing childhood with my teenage years, and maybe I did. I took the picture and made it mine. I remember how much fun I had in high school. It is an era I still reflect on regularly. I went though a lot of crazy stuff back then. It was certainly not all good, but it wasnt all bad. The world was new, entertaining, careless.I never listened too much to anyone, and I did what I wanted to. It made me think that these people didn’t live out their youth, and it made them think that I am not living out my adulthood.

I had no real responsibilities, and I shunned many of the ones that I had. They were pointless. I proved it. I made something of myself, and I didn’t follow the rules to do it. I did it all on my terms. This was not the best course of action, generically speaking, but it was my way. My way was the only way. I learned a lot of hard lessons, and it was the only way for me to be taught. I partied hard, got laid, stay out, and did whatever I wanted to really. That was what youth was about for me. Pushing limits, one could say.

I think the lessons I learned through that are invaluable. I also count my blessings that I didn’t suffer worse consequences. I could not tell you what direction such things would have turned me in my rebellious youth.

Here I am though, pretty successful. I would say very successful, but I feel like I have remained stagnant for a few years. I have a lot more going for me, but its how I feel. It may just be time for some changes. It definitely has to do with a lack of a pay upgrade in a few years. I was never that competitive, but I hate that people are catching up or exceeding my salary. It is not that they do not deserve it or anything. I am just jealous.

It is in that same way that I am jealous of my youth. I did well, and I did it without guidance. Everyday left me feeling great with a few exceptions. I think it really boiled down to time being on my side.

I am nearing 30. It is almost here, and in the past 3 year I have gotten engaged, found a home, been able to afford some great nights out that I could not when I was young, bought a great home, finally set a date for a wedding, etc, etc.

However, where does my time go? Five days a week with limited “me time” is something I am no longer feeling okay with, and something I never limited myself to.

I still suffer consequences from my past each and everyday. I will for quite a few more years. Though, with the original topic in hand, I was not identifying the image with my early adulthood. That is a time I could have done without.

I love what I accomplished. However, this is not how I imagined it. I never pictured being a corporate drone when I was young, but did I really picture anything? I lived in the now, but I was young, it was easy, and I was good at it. Maybe I was stupid to think I would be living on easy street. Maybe I was stupid to not think of the future at all.

If anyone out there in their early 30s is, I would love some advice. I do not feel like I was meant for a daily routine, but it is all I know now. I do not see another option. I yearn for another option.

Lost Cell Phone

I have a Vacation and a new household member to post about, but the most pressing topic would be my lost Droid X. Here is the IMEI incase anyone does a search on it in an attempt to find the owner, me. A0000022517544

I have found wallets and purses in the past and went out of my way to track down the owners or return to a mall security. Meanwhile, my missing phone which cannot be used because its blacklisted may never turn up. I still have some hope for the old “do onto others” adage. The same adage makes me fear riding my bike around. I am waiting for the day some kid tries to hit me with a Slurpee. I used to be such a dick when I was young, but at least I was a dick that would return lost property.

The Loss of Simon

Simon was young cat given to me by my mother  when I moved out. As strange of an idea as it was to give a cat to an apartment with two bachelors, I guess she figured it would teach me responsibility or something. Maybe it was simply because he was young and terrorized their older cat.

Whatever the case, he did provide a lot of entertainment. Always hiding my roommates bowl under the couch every morning, jumping from the 2 story deck onto the roof above the doorway to the apartment and to the neighbors deck, wiggling around in a large box on the table until it fell with him still inside, sitting on pizzas, etc.

He made it through two apartments, three rented houses, and finally to my most recent home. During that span he lived with 5 different people besides myself, many of who knew him by his nick name, Fuzzy Nuts (though he was neutered.)

At only about 8-9 years old he fell ill with heart disease, and it was not diagnosed for sometime. He has been breathing a little strange in October, and a few times he tried to cough something up, but nothing was there. That was somewhat usual, but we really started to notice something was wrong when he was breathing with his abdomen in November. By the time the vet actually had some time for an appointment that I could take him to, it was worse, and it was even worse yet when he left. His lungs were filled with fluid, and I had to take him to an emergency center to get them fully drained and an electrocardiogram. A week and a half later they had to be drained again, and about 2 and a half weeks after that, he was in bad shape again. The diuretics weren’t cutting it.

Many dollars spent, and all I bought him was about another month. It was a Thursday evening, and he wasn’t going to last much longer. It was not an easy decision, but he had to get put down. I was prepared to wait until it got worse, but what would happen when he is dying and its the upcoming weekend? We brought him in the next day when the vet made some room around 11:30.

They said he wasn’t ready to go, and he wasn’t. He had some fight left, but it was only getting worse fast. He didn’t even want to leave his pet carrier. They gave him Ketamine before the IV for the OD of pain meds they use to bring him down. I am guessing this is to prevent some rather unsightly things from happening when they administer the pain meds, but at this point, he was not really there anymore. Then came the injection, and I go no warning that it was starting. I think I was blowing my nose during his final moments. I was rather upset about that. All in all, I do not know that it is worth it to be there for it, and if I was not, the whole Ketamine injection would have probably been skipped.

When all was said and done, I gave him one last pet (more like several), and left the room. They would bill us later, and sent us flowers while we were at home mourning.

My fiancé wants a new cat, and I do as well. However, it is really just not the time. He will not be my cat, the one cat that ever really meant a lot to me. The new cat won’t be used to us nor us to him. I would wind up resenting him for it, and that is not fair. I still keep expecting to see him around the house in his usual places doing his usual things, and seeing some other cat in his place will not make that any better or easier for me.

In due time we will probably adopt another cat, and I had entertained the thought of getting a dog. It was a seemingly perfect idea, as it wouldn’t feel like a reminder or a replacement, but we are not home that much. I cannot make a dog hold it for 10-12 hour days 5 days a week.